Welcome to Romance and Relationship

This blog is where we talk about romance and relationships.

We can talk about relationships in general or interracial relationships. My main focus is on interracial relationships.

I hope to make this a site for people to come and get advice, share stories and so on.

Feel free to leave comments on my blog and how I might make it better.

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from movie "Something New"

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Single Parent Dating

First lets start on why I am able to talk about this topic. I have dated a few women who are single parents. I am currently in a very serious relationship with one now. She is the one woman I plan on marrying. she is an amazing woman and her child I consider mine aswell. Over the years I have notices a trend regarding women who have a child from another man. the trends I have noticed

The mother feels like she is unattractive to single men.
The mother feels she is undeserving of love from a good man.
The mother tries to rush a relationship.
The mother seeks out a dad for her baby. (baby-dad)
The mother gets taken advantage of my some men.

These things I have noticed and would like to try to help in these areas. When a single parent is looking for a date, mate or significant other they tend to over look things that should not be over looked. First lets talk about how the woman is treated. I have seen and heard many women say “he treats me bad but what else is out there for a woman like me” let me say a man who would treat you in a manor that is degrading to you is not some one you want to be around or be in a relationship with. The reasons for this are because the man will just take advantage of you or worse warp your and your child’s minds, emotions and self worth.
Women who have children from other men have a vast array of emotions going almost all the time; worry for the child, the bills, and other facets of life. Sadly their self worth is questioned on many occasions. Ladies just because you have a child from another man does not mean you’re unattractive, or undeserving of love. It means you made a mistake with a man who did not love you, but the child is not the mistake, the man was. Your self worth should never be reliant on some one else. I have known many men who met and fell in love with a single parent, I’m one of them. Yes a child is a big responsibility for any one but if a guy is not willing to man up, then ladies he is not the man you want to be around. As far as I’m concerned he could looks like Brat Pitt but if he is not man enough to put aside his single life for one that is totally involved with you and your child then he is not worth keeping around or continuing a relationship with. Don’t get me wrong some time has to go buy for him to have ample time to take on the responsibility but that is not a bad thing ladies.
Lets talk about the rushing in to things. I know from my own experience with dating and relationships when ever I rushed it was a big mistake. When you rush a relationship you fail to truly see who it is you’re in the relationship with. A true understanding of someone is going to take time. any guy who tries to get you in to bed with in the first few dates or maybe even months is not some one who is going to respect you or your child. Relationships take time to fully grow to where you are so in love with one another that he will not stray from you. to find the guy that will be a great husband and father is not something you can truly rush nor should you. my advise is be patient, never try to jump to quickly, I know this is easier said then done but trust me your relationship will be stronger for waiting and finding a guy who is of quality rather then just finding some one doing things and then feeling regret and broken hearted.
I have dated some women who were not looking for a true relationship they just wanted a dad for their child, or (baby-dad). This is also connected to rushing a relationship. If you find a guy and your digging him. Just relax if he likes you he will start getting involved with you and your child. I know that having a guy met the child to early may scare the guy off but if a little kid scares him off was he really worth keeping??? Knowing when to have the guy and kid meet is truly up to you moms. But never just say here is my kid get to know him/her. Try to just get together with the guy at a place where both will be at ease. A play ground or parks are some good choices. Let the guy and kid talk for a bit with you there. More often then not the guy will ask what the kid likes to do or what not you know idle chit chat. This shows the guy is trying but really don’t know where to start so having knowledge before hand is going to make this a lot easier for the guy and child.
Make sure to have some kind of activity for the day will help the guy and child bond. (Women bond with kids far faster then men I think it has to do with a nurturing nature of women.) Anyway letting your child knows what is going on is also a good thing. There is nothing worst for a man then meeting a child and being accused of breaking mommy and daddy up then getting kicked in the shin by a four year old.

Last but hardly least is how single mothers get taken advantage of my some men. Sadly some men will see a single mom and think “hey, I could sleep with that easy.” Letting someone in to your life to quickly rarely turns out for the best. These kinds of men are the ones you want to avoid. But never use your child as a defense. Just let the guy know your not going to play doctor until marriage and that you’re looking for a man who will love you and your child. You’re a package deal and there is nothing wrong with that at all. Your still the same woman before the child but just a little wiser and have more responsibility. I have heard from women “I have changed so much” to this I say “Really how so.” Your body has gone threw changes, your emotions, maybe your personality but the thing is your still you. You have things changing all the time but when you have a child you just see them more. Lets face it ladies when have men ever truly known all about women. I think Eve made Adam have a lot of moments of confusion and frustration.
I know I have talked mostly about single mothers. This is because I don’t date single fathers and therefore have no idea what it takes to date them or their mind sets. But I have gotten to know a few single moms and the fears and mind sets of them by dating them and being friends with some of them. My future wife has a child and she was so nervous the first time we talked she did not know I still cared for her even though she now has a little child. To me being a single mom is not a cause to run away from a relationship but the attitude of the mom is what tells me to stay or go. looking at your self as if your damaged goods or to much of a burden send out a negative self image and then makes me say why does she feel this way. But looking at your child as a blessing and your self as another blessing you change the way you look at your self and so will men. I know I am not an expert or anything but being in love is something that happens over time never rush it, and go in to a relationship with the mind set of lets have fun with all of the family not just mom and some date. The best thing you women can do for your selves is to keep both eyes open and never think you’re not good enough. You’re a mother and a blessing to any mans life and your child will be another blessing to any man. Therefore any man who gets your affection will have a double blessing. I hope this helps and feel free to comment.

I found this on the web at this site http://singleparents.about.com/od/datingadvice/a/new_attitude.htm

New Ways of Thinking About Single Parent Dating Relationships
If you feel anxious about not being in a relationship, it may be time to adopt a whole new attitude toward single parent dating. Consider how these small changes could alter your perspective and help you enjoy the full, rich life you deserve.
Focus on expanding your social circle instead of "finding a mate."

Change your definition of what it means to have an active social life. When you focus on finding "the one," you're bound to put a lot of pressure on yourself. This can have two negative effects: First, it can cause you to make poor decisions; and, second, it can lead to unnecessary disappointment with an otherwise fulfilling life.

When you place your attention on expanding your social circle, though, you free yourself from that pressure. This enables you to focus on friendships and being with people who lift you up and bring joy to your life.

Make your social life part of your self-care plan.

To say you are "extremely busy" working and raising your children is an understatement. In fact, you may even feel like you just don't have time to date. If that's the case, I'd encourage you to think of socializing as part of taking care of yourself. You deserve to get out now and then. Spending some time away from your home and work responsibilities can be a refreshing part of honoring who you are and getting to know yourself again. Rather than feeling guilty about social engagements, view them as a part of your personal self-care plan.

Build each potential relationship on friendship, not just attraction.

Chances are, you pretty much know immediately whether you are attracted to someone or not. Rather than allowing only physical attraction to define your relationship, though, focus on really getting to know one another and exploring your common interests. This may require discipline and even some restraint. However, taking the time to get to know someone as a friend will allow you to see their best and worst qualities with clarity and make objective decisions about the potential of your relationship.

Be bold.

Take some risks. If you have serious hopes about enjoying a meaningful relationship, you're going to have to do some things you might not ordinarily do, in order to maximize your social opportunities. For some people this means being bold enough to initiate a conversation while standing in the checkout line. For others, it means going back to church, signing up with an online dating service, or putting the word "out" among friends that you'd like you find someone. Certainly you should never do something that makes you uncomfortable or that compromise your integrity. However, taking small risks that place you just outside your comfort zone can put you in a good position to meet many new and interesting people.

You are worth waiting for the right relationship.

Finally, don't compromise. You're not looking for someone who treats you well "most" of the time, makes you feel "somewhat" important, or has "a little bit" of respect for the work you do in the world. You are worth more than that. If you haven't believed that until now, then this is the time to throw away your old thinking habits and adopt a new attitude concerning your worth as a friend, a dating companion, and potentially as a mate.


Felicity said...

Very nice and very encouraging.

BWtamedKen said...

Thank you I'm glad you liked it Felicity.

Anonymous said...

It's great to see a man acknowlege some of Black women's many great qualities! ty

BWtamedKen said...

Anonymous said...
"It's great to see a man acknowlege some of Black women's many great qualities! ty"

In my humble oppinion, Black women have far more Qualities then any other women. they are strong, smart, hard working, loyal, virtuious, Godly, and so much more. I have dated many women but find that Black women attract me more, but the one who takes my heart is My Queen. Thanks for the response.

Phantom Mare said...

Todah (thanks) Ken for the truly genuine and understanding article, from a MALE perspective. You are truly a gem. I RARELY hear this mentioned from men, but you know something? It takes special type of man to take in a woman who is a single parent. In the end, there is that special reward of a wonderful family. This SHOULD be brought out more because there are *many* BW who are single parents.

Sometimes we may feel somewhat underdeserving because of our choices in life. But you are right to say that we ARE deserving of a quality man.

Ken you have a very sweet spirit. Your Queen must be very pleased..lol.

Your blog is a gem.

Stay Blessed

Anonymous said...

I loved the article...very encouraging. As a Caucasian woman who dates mostly black men i can relate to the biracial dating scene. However I'm really surprised at the above comment. Was that necessary? How can you or anyone make a statement that one race is superior in the things you mentioned? That's racist in itself. I hope i miss- read it.